We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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