I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
