Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
