Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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