I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
