You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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