I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You pole danced in your parka.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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