how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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