i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
