Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
