there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
