Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize