he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Use "feeling words"
Yay
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
