life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
