My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
