Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
