Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
