Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
