glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
