watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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