Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
