It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
