Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
