Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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