Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
