Got a toothbrush?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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