She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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