She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
