Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
