If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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