i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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