The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
