Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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