I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
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