just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
ttyl tear gas
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
