You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
