Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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