I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
