I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
