Do you still have your period?
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
