remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
