I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
