sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
