Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize