I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Randomize
