bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
