If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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