so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
