drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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