those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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