i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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