Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
