I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
