I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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