You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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