Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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