on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Randomize
