I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
