so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Randomize
