If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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